For the Love of Her
by bucklind17
Summary: Pre-Rent fic....Mark reflects


april Disclaimer: Characters are property of Jonathan Larson, although much artistic license has been used in their development in this story. Mark may seem kind of out of character, but I did the best I could. I also want to add that I don't know very much about the main issue I used in this story, nor did I research it, so it may not be very likely or common, but it seems to work in this story.   
Author's note: The idea of this story popped into my head when trying to find a way to make a disliked character somewhat likeable. No one really knows what happened in the characters lives prior to the show, but there's one unexplored character held responsible for a lot. It's my goal to make her a bit more understood. Feedback, excluding flames, is appreciated at noahchick6471@hotmail.com   
Rating- PG-13 for some mature subjects and language 

It never occurred to anyone that I had loved her. What, with the way Roger shut out the world, all they could do was worry about him. They thought my refusal to stop tending to his every need was because I wanted to make sure he stayed alive, didn't go the same way in the same desperation. I was worried about him, but I was just as upset as well. April's death shook me. April shook me. I loved her.   
It started out as a simple crush. I used to see her in the Life Café with her friends, her dark curls falling down her back, the most gorgeous, shocking green eyes I'd ever seen and a smile that squeezed my heart. She was alone sometimes too, just sitting and drawing, looking completely relaxed. I wanted that ease, I wanted to be able to pour my art out of my soul the way I so often witnessed her doing. I found myself staring all too often, and sometimes she would catch me. She'd smile that wonderful smile, stir her tea and turn away. I could tell just by looking at her that I wanted to know her, I wanted to know what she drew, where she was from, what shampoo she used.   
But, I'm shy. I never said anything to her except the occasional hello on the way out the door. She was only a faraway fantasy for me, someone who probably would have been more if I had given myself the chance. I'm still too afraid of rejection to be the first to ask someone out. I worry about whether a girl will think I'm good enough. Plainly put, I'm a geek. I'm definitely not the most good-looking guy in the world and I don't have a real job. If I were a girl, I wouldn't want to date me.   
The night Roger brought her home, I was pretty surprised. She didn't seem like his type at all. She wore knit sweaters in autumn colors, khaki pants, barrettes in her hair. His type were the dyed blonds with tight pants and skanky tops. While Roger shot up, I couldn't believe that April did. I was grateful the night I walked in on one of their arguments.   
"Baby," Roger was saying. "It's only a little bit. It barely makes a difference."   
"It makes a big difference! You are not the man I love when you're high! I don't want to live constantly worrying about what you're going to do because you're not in your right mind. I don't want to worry about you getting busted, and I don't want to deal with the chance of getting SICK because you aren't careful!" April exclaimed. She was as against his using as I was, and it made me hopeful. Maybe with the two of us working together, we could get him to stop. It never happened. Roger had started using when we were seniors in high school. We had become friends freshman year after he sided with me during a slightly nasty incident in the cafeteria involving his "gang" and my friends from the AV club. I was too attached and accustomed to our unlikely friendship at that point to risk losing him, so I never really said anything about it. April gave me the chance, and though we both threatened him to stop, the threats were empty. There was something about Roger Davis that made him impossible to leave. Neither of us wanted to deal with his drug use, but neither of us wanted to imagine life without him either. Yet we did each time he shot up. It was quite a circle.   
I became pretty good friends with April over time. We both had worries about Roger, and she was spending a lot of time in the loft because she wasn't getting along with her roommates. I didn't mind. She wasn't like any of Roger's other girlfriends, who would bring their friends with them as well as all their drugs and stay for days. April's family background was a lot like mine and we had a lot in common. I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I had acted upon her first. She was a beautiful girl.   
The one thing that Roger couldn't see about April were the changes. He went through so many himself, basically because of the heroin, that he just wanted her with him. He didn't want to deal with her problems, he just wanted to know he had this beautiful girl waiting for him. I couldn't believe she stayed with him for so long, but when I look back at it now, I think she was too unstable to leave him. I pressed her to talk, because someone had to, she just wasn't herself, but she didn't. I'd catch her sitting on the couch staring into space but once I got her attention, she'd smile and change the subject. I knew that something was making her unhappy and upset, and I wished she would talk to me about it. I also knew that if Maureen wasn't living in the loft at the time, April probably would have talked to me. She knew Maureen was jealous of the friendship April and I had, and I think that just added to her problems. She was becoming insecure and withdrawn, and I hated to think that she was hiding something that awful from me just because my girlfriend didn't like her. I still wonder what would have happened if I had broken up with Maureen and dated April. It scares me to think that it could have been what April needed, that me simply standing up to Maureen and doing something I so much wanted to do could have saved April. It's part of the eternal blame situation.   
Even knowing that something was wrong, I still didn't expect her to come to the loft in tears at two in the morning. Roger was at a gig in Jersey and wasn't coming home until the next morning. Maureen and I had had yet another fight and she was spending the night at one of her friends, dramatically declaring she couldn't live with me until we had this latest situation settled. Collins was sleeping and Benny was spending a night uptown with his new girlfriend. I was still up because I couldn't sleep and I was on the couch reading a book when she knocked on the door.   
"April."   
"Mark…" she whispered. She looked at me, desperation searing through her bright eyes.   
"What's the matter?" I asked, motioning for her to sit. I went into the kitchen and got her a glass of water, which she took from me with both hands, as if she was going to drop it.   
"I'm sorry I'm here so late. I don't think I can be alone right now," she said.   
"That's ok, I'm up anyway. Did something happen? Did you and Roger have a fight?" April looked at me and smiled sadly, taking a sip of the water.   
"No…nothing like that. It's…it's worse, actually," she said. I heard the door to Collins' room open and his bare feet pad across the floor to where we were sitting. He rubbed his eyes and sat across from me in the armchair.   
"What?" I wonder now how she was so upfront about telling me. It was like she was planning on it, that it was the reason she came and that she had planned out the entire speech in her mind. She needed me to know, and her intention that night was to talk to me because she couldn't deal with it alone anymore.   
"Three months ago I was coming home pretty late from one of Roger's gigs. I don't think you guys were there that night, Maureen had a protest or something. Roger wanted me to wait for him to walk home, because it was late, but I didn't want to wait for him to finish up with the usual post show ritual. So, I left. I was just walking down the street and the next thing I knew…." She paused, but she didn't need to say what happened. I knew, just by that empty moment in time. "I never told anyone because…well, God, I was ashamed," April whispered, more to herself than to us. Tears were spilling down her cheeks, but her voice was still calm. "I was ashamed that it happened to me, that I let it happen to me. I didn't want to admit it, I just wanted to get the fact that it happened out of my head as soon as possible, so I told no one. I didn't tell the police, I didn't tell Roger, I didn't tell my roommates, or my mother or you or anyone…I just left it in my head to simmer, because I didn't want to ADMIT it."   
"April, how could you do it by yourself?" I asked, in shock that someone had dared touch her. I was as close to angry as I get, but remaining calm for her sake.   
"I can't. I can't anymore, because I changed, Mark. I'm not confident anymore, I'm nervous all the time, I have this constant fear in me. I mean, how do you stand going through something like that and then make love to your boyfriend the next night? But I did it, I just pretended everything was fine, nothing was wrong!" April cried. She was really crying now, her shoulders shaking. "How do I tell him that some guy completely took advantage of me? Roger can't even handle his own problems, how can I expect him to handle mine?" It was the only moment that I was ever truly angry with Roger, as I watched his girl, who I wanted so much to be mine, fall apart in front of me. I KNEW that if he wasn't constantly on something, April would have told him and that would have spared her a lot of pain, confusion and bottled up emotion. He would have cared and he could have helped her. There are times when I am still angry with him about he not being there for her, because she deserved so much better.   
"I don't know, April. I can't believe you waited this long to tell me. We could have helped you, honey," I said softly. Collins nodded and turned to her.   
"How have you been feeling? Physically, I mean?" he asked.   
"Not too great. My stomach has been shaky a lot lately, ever since it happened. I think it's nerves. And I've been really tired, but I think that's because I can't sleep half the time." Collins turned away and ran his hand over his head.   
"What are you thinking?" I asked him.   
"I'm thinking she better go to the hospital tomorrow for some tests. Jesus, April, you are a BRIGHT girl! How could you completely ignore that this happened, especially in the neighborhood we live in?" Collins asked her strongly. It was when he said that that I realized what he was thinking and it scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to say it, in case April hadn't realized, but it should figure Collins would think of it.   
"I couldn't Collins! Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could have!" April exclaimed.   
"God…I don't even…I don't even want to THINK about the possibilities here…" Collins said. He got up from the chair and started pacing back and forth.   
"What's wrong with him Mark?" she asked me. "You'd think he was the one that got raped!"   
"HIV, April," I said reluctantly. "That's what his problem is. The chances…well, there are some."   
"AIDS? You really think…" April said. She laughed slightly and then her face crumbled and I just put my arms around her, saying nothing. I didn't know what to say. Collins was pretty close to tears himself. He knew what it was like, finding out something so life changing. I think the fact that it could be happening to April broke him open. He cared about her too. "Then I'm dead. And Roger too."   
"Hey, let's not jump to conclusions," I said gently. "We don't know anything, so lets wait until tomorrow and see what we can find out."   
"I was always so worried about him getting me sick with those fuckin' needles, now I could have killed both of us! I should never have let it happen!"   
"April, it's not your fault," Collins said slowly, as if to make sure she understood. "There's nothing you could have done to prevent it. You were taken advantage of by someone stronger than you who obviously doesn't give a shit about anyone else. And even if…even if he did have HIV, your life is far from over." His voice turned softer and he cleared his throat. "Look at me. I've had HIV for two years already, and I'm still healthy and I'm still living a normal life. You can too. But Mark's right, let's not jump to conclusions."   
I didn't even want to think about all the possible things that could go wrong. I've already said that my relationship with April started as a crush, and at this point, it was a very strong friendship. Despite the fact that she hid this from me, I knew it was because she was afraid. I needed to support her now, because that's why she told me. We spent the night in the living room. Collins stayed in the chair, and April and I shared the couch. It was all Maureen needed to see when she walked in the next morning.   
"What's this?" she asked. Collins had been the only one up, making coffee and toast.   
"It's not what you think, Maureen," he said in a tolerant tone. "April was upset last night and came over here. If you need to know, I slept in the chair. We didn't want her to be alone."   
"Sure," Maureen said passively. "I come home and see my boyfriend in bed with another woman, and I'm supposed to think that's fine. I see."   
"Maureen, I am not in the mood for this. She was upset, we discussed, they fell asleep. If you don't trust Mark, of all people, maybe you should look into finding someone else. He loves you, you know he does, and if you loved him you wouldn't worry about his friendship with April. She needs us right now."   
I was always thankful that Collins lived with me, and missed him whenever he didn't. He was this supreme voice of reason, logic. He knew what to say and when to say it. He could make the hard things seem so simple. People listened to him.   
The three of us went to the hospital that morning. We decided to bypass Maureen by telling her we had errands to run, and she's rarely interested in joining unless there's a stop at Starbucks, which we said there wasn't time for. Collins had managed to get a little money in one of his conniving ways, I still don't know how he did it, just in case we needed to pay for whatever the test included. In fact, we didn't. County hospitals are subsidized, which we were very grateful for. The nurse was also very nice, so much so that April actually told her why she was in need of an HIV test. I think it helped her to get it out of her system, though she was still very quiet and nervous.   
April stayed withdrawn and quiet until the day the test results were ready. She hadn't told Roger anything yet, it was just Collins and I that knew what was going on. I wanted to go with her just as much as I didn't. The thought that April, perfect, beautiful April, could be HIV positive…I didn't even want to think about it. Things like this weren't supposed to happen to people like her. Yet, they were supposed to happen to people like Collins, who chose to expose himself to the risks? No. Things like this aren't supposed to happen to anyone I love, because that means I'll end up losing them. My greatest fear in life is that I'm going to lose the people I love, lose my friends and be completely alone. Knowing that Collins was already sick, and with the way Roger was going, the chances of him getting the disease were high…it scared me. My two best friends, and then April. No, it wasn't supposed to happen.   
But it did. April tested positive. I saw the life go right out of her the minute she heard the words. I trusted Collins when he decided to walk her home by himself. He knew things I could never fathom, he knew what to say. My only hope was that they would make a difference to her, that she would believe him and know that she could keep living.   
I think what hurt her most was the guilt. It wasn't only the fact that she was now sick, but the chances that she had passed it onto Roger in the past three months was extremely high. That was exactly what she had said when she found out. "I killed us". She had begged me not to tell Roger, that she would find a way to tell him herself, and I knew that wasn't my place. Collins and I did a lot of reassuring that day, telling April that it wasn't her fault, and that she couldn't blame herself for passing it onto Roger when he could have gotten it himself. I didn't even want to explore that subject. What if the rapist didn't give April HIV, but Roger had? What if he was that stupid? That irresponsible? I don't think I could have lived with him. I was already so angry with him. Too many times I thought that April should be mine, not his. Too many times I wondered how things could have turned out differently if April had been mine.   
And April couldn't live with herself. She couldn't live with the fact that she had let someone attack her and it resulted in not only her contracting a fatal disease, but her boyfriend too. I was so angry, so upset, so hurt and so confused. I was angry because I could have kept helping her, I was upset because I loved her, I was hurt because she didn't trust us to be there and I was confused because I didn't know why she did it. I was one step up from Roger, who one day had a beautiful, caring girlfriend and the next day had a dead girlfriend.   
What everyone else never knew is I knew why Roger shut down. He didn't know what had driven April to kill herself and he had no clue what the hell the note about AIDS meant. How could she have given him AIDS? She didn't sleep around, she didn't do drugs. And then came the shock and guilt that maybe she misled herself into believing that she had given it to him when in all actuality, he had given it to her. The fact that she walked home alone that night because she didn't want to sit and watch him shoot up. And that's what shut him down. When I look back at it now, I don't blame him. He lost everything he had in that one minute when he found the note, then her pale body floating in the blood filled bathtub. He lost his love, he lost his life, he lost his future.   
But I lost a love too. And that's what never occurs to anybody. That Mark loved April as much as Roger did. That Mark stayed in that apartment with Roger because Roger was the closest link to April. That Mark couldn't lose two best friends in one week. One month. One year. I loved April, and I felt I owed it to her to stick with Roger. Everything I did in those six months when he wouldn't leave the loft were for her. As I flushed his stash down the toilet, refused to buy him cigarettes, didn't allow his dealer to come into the loft or have contact with him whatsoever, April was foremost on my mind. Because she wanted this. She wanted him to stop. I held firm for all the times I backed down. And when he hit me, or screamed at me for not knowing what he was going through, I only listened and stayed calm. It was not worth telling him that my heart was torn in two, that I missed having that bright, cheerful being in the loft. I hated not having April in my life.   
I look at Roger now. He's a product of his willpower and my stubbornness. He is taking medication to control his disease and has been relatively healthy since his diagnosis, three days after April's death. He threw away everything of hers that he owned in a tantrum at some point during those six months. I still have pictures, thoughts and memories. He's washed her out of his life, and washed everything he was while she was with him away with her. He's dating Mimi, who has a marvelous affect on him. I'm becoming friends with her, despite the fact that she too is HIV positive. I watch them take their AZT and I wonder how long they will live, and then remember that they at least chose to wait it out and see. I know that at times I had to force Roger to take his pills and there were times when I had my doubts about whether or not he would make it, but he's still here. She isn't. I don't hate April for leaving us or for giving up. I could never hate her. But there are so many times when I know she would love to be with us, especially now that Roger's clean. I miss her. I miss everything about her. I loved her.   



End file.
